When Incivility Darkens the Workplace

When incivility occurs in the workplace a steep price can be paid if it’s not dealt with. Incivility takes many forms in the modern workplace: rudeness, obnoxious behavior directed at another, undermining, being disrespectful, ignoring people’s opinion, etc. If not addressed this type of behavior can take a personal toll.

Recently I interviewed a senior director who was the brunt of another’s rude, inappropriate behavior. His failure to address the problem eventually led down a long tunnel of disengagement and his eventual removal from the position. Although happy to move on the “victim” spoke of how ruminating on the incident, prevented him from putting it behind and lead to a greater feeling of insecurity, lower self-esteem, and a heightened sense of helplessness. Job performance suffered. So, when told by the CEO that he was being let go he was only too happy to be out the door.

I’ve found, and others agree that the best results are when you tackle bad behavior head on and not necessarily bringing it to the attention of the HR department, where the usual response often falls short…that’s not to say you wouldn’t report a bullying workmate but the best results dealing with a rude or obnoxious co-worker often come from being responsible, proactive and taking the lead.

Before confronting a rude co-worker, ask yourself these three qualifying questions:

1. Do you feel safe confronting this person?
2. Was the behavior intentional?
3. Was this the only instance of such behavior from him or her?

If you’re able to answer ‘yes’ to all three, then you should address the issue directly. Use this checklist to ensure that you

1. Prepare for the discussion.  Think about a good time and a safe environment in which you’ll both be comfortable. Consider whether you need others present or even a moderator. 
2. Rehearse your ideas with someone whose feedback is trusted. Ask that person to role play the perpetrator, complete with temperament. 
3. Be aware of nonverbal communication.  This includes posture, facial expressions, gestures, tempo, and especially tone of voice. People practiced what they will stay far more than how they will say it. However, word typically convey far less than does the way they are delivered.
4. Proceed with the goal of mutual gain.  During the talk focus on the behavior not the individual and how the specific behavior harms performance and working relationship.
5. Prepare for an emotional response.  If the perpetrator starts to vent, it’s best to listen, try to tolerate it. It may lead to a more productive place. Use words like, “ I understand” and “I get that.” Admitting blame where appropriate may also be helpful. 
6. Be an active listener.  Paraphrase what you hear and repeat it back. Ask for clarification; be humble to gain likeability and credibility. 
7. Focus on establishing courteous norms for the future.  Agree on how you’ll interact going forward so that there is no degraded performance. Follow up with a summary of agreement via email.

Incivility exacts a steep price. As in my example, although somewhat extreme it lead to job change. Using the above 7-point list will help you deal with incivility issues head on.